Its been almost 5 months now since my dad passed away from a heart attack. The pain of my family’s loss hasn’t yet dissipated, nor do I think ever really will. My depression has not gotten worse, but it’s been more present since his passing. In some ways I have grown stronger, in others, not so much.
My dad and I were always pretty close, he was my best friend, my mentor and my rock. He and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but I didn’t mind that because he valued the fact that my opinion was different from his. He taught me to be my own person and for that I am eternally grateful, in fact he continues to teach me now through the little things that happen everyday that he would have normally given me advice on. Now I come up with my own solutions, and just think “what would dad say/think/do in the case?” I was lucky to have him as long as I did, some people never get to have a dad in their life. Though my time with was cut short, I know that he is with me forever, in my heart and mind.
Life has changed a lot for me since February. After my dad’s passing, we of course had all the paperwork and craziness to take care of, and are still taking care of, but on top of all that, my mom has moved back to Arkansas near one of my older sisters, I moved to the other side of Houston -I’m now in Katy (still in suburbia, maybe one day I can afford to live in the city) and my job is getting crazy busy. My life is great, but I still have a missing piece that, though it will never recover, maybe, just maybe it will be more at peace.
I have learned a lot from the tragedy. I have found that I am at my strongest when I am taking care of my family, I have learned that though I may feel like I can’t go on -I can. I have learned that you should NEVER, and I mean NEVER take your family for granted, they are more important than you could ever know and when you don’t have them around anymore it is extremely hard to even breathe. Cry, cry, cry -do not bottle it up. Do not try to “be the strong one” -you need to let it out, even if its in private. I cry daily, I do not feel ashamed nor should you when you cry. You will get angry, remember that its okay to get angry, just don’t be hateful. One of the latest things I’ve learned is that sometimes you just have to let go of some things that you think are important. I am still purging all of my “stuff”, both physical and mental -let the extra weight go.
With all the mess of a post I am going to leave you with two things.
First, know that no matter what, love is the best way to heal. Don’t forget to love yourself and those around you. You must find what you love about yourself and make that your ‘inner rock”, you will need it. Love those around you, they are there for you, even if you feel alone, people are innately good (or so I believe) and they will be there for you even in your darkest of hour.
Second, I want you to know that I am getting better. I may be strong and able stand a lot of things, but this was a BIG blow to me and my family. I am still healing, so please understand that I may not always be the chipper person I tend to be -but I am trying!