19 years is angry men making you feel bad about peeing.

Because….

The Bloggess

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and that means that Victor and I have been married for 19 years.

15 years was giant metal chickens and I think 17 years was when I rented that sloth and a tiny kangaroo to surprise Victor in our living room (he was very surprised) but I didn’t know what to do for year 19 until I saw this painting for sale in the lobby of a children’s pizza restaurant:

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Yes.  It’s the Anchormen, ready for a fight and armed with grenades and guns and  clubs.  And it is majestic.

Victor didn’t entirely see its magic and claimed that it didn’t match anything but in fairness I think that speaks to how uncolorful and non-violent the rest of the house is currently. But turns out that it totally goes in the guest bathroom.  The same one where I stuck a six-foot surprise bear mural on the wall.  So now…

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How I forgot I was fabulous.

Where have I been? What’s going on? Well, I will tell you, I have not been able to write since my last entry. I have had no real appeal to write or to be creative. 2014 was not a good year for me or for my family, though we did have some bright moments, a lot of my year was shrouded in darkness. I unfortunately couldn’t really focus on the bright moments and I let my depression come over me. I had no real drive to be me or to discover and find my happiness, instead I relied on others for my happiness, which ultimately has made me not the greatest person to be around for the last 10 months or so. Going forward, I am not going to let depression conquer my 2015 or the rest of my life. I feel that each one of us is here for a reason and though we may not always understand why we are here, we must keep pushing to do better and to be better.

I have a lot of people I look to as teachers. Teacher in life, teachers in love and teachers in spirituality. These people range from my friends, my coworkers, my family, certain public figures and many more. One of the greatest lessons I have learned though is from someone that a lot of people blow off as just another entertainer, but for me, he has been like a god-send. I am talking about Rupaul, yes the incredibly talented and ever so brilliant Drag Queen who managed to not only overcome other people’s preconceived ideas/thoughts/notions on drag queens but also managed to become known as the Super Model of The World, during a time that being gay was still a pretty taboo thing. Rupaul has written a couple of really good books and has given his words of wisdom to many and now I can say that because of his books, his shows and many other ventures, I too feel that I have been taught by Rupaul himself. He taught me that I need to love myself, first and foremost…something that I seemed to forget last year. He also taught me that in order to be a true success, sometimes you have to go through a lot of shit to come out on the other side a fabulous new you. I’ve gone through a lot of my shit this last year, and though I still have to wade through more, I can finally say that I’m starting to see my sparkle again. I’m finally starting to feel like me again and I did it through loving myself and being kind to others.

I want you to watch the clip below, its from season one of Rupaul’s Drag Race. Rupaul dishes out hard truth that applies to everyone and I think we could all use a reminding from time to time that life is not about instant success, instant happiness and that you have to to go on the journey to get to the place you want to be.

Almost 5 months now

Its been almost 5 months now since my dad passed away from a heart attack. The pain of my family’s loss hasn’t yet dissipated, nor do I think ever really will. My depression has not gotten worse, but it’s been more present since his passing. In some ways I have grown stronger, in others, not so much.

My dad and I were always pretty close, he was my best friend, my mentor and my rock. He and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but I didn’t mind that because he valued the fact that my opinion was different from his. He taught me to be my own person and for that I am eternally grateful, in fact he continues to teach me now through the little things that happen everyday that he would have normally given me advice on. Now I come up with my own solutions, and just think “what would dad say/think/do in the case?” I was lucky to have him as long as I did, some people never get to have a dad in their life. Though my time with was cut short, I know that he is with me forever, in my heart and mind.

Life has changed a lot for me since February. After my dad’s passing, we of course had all the paperwork and craziness to take care of, and are still taking care of, but on top of all that, my mom has moved back to Arkansas near one of my older sisters, I moved to the other side of Houston -I’m now in Katy (still in suburbia, maybe one day I can afford to live in the city) and my job is getting crazy busy. My life is great, but I still have a missing piece that, though it will never recover, maybe, just maybe it will be more at peace.

I have learned a lot from the tragedy. I have found that I am at my strongest when I am taking care of my family, I have learned that though I may feel like I can’t go on -I can. I have learned that you should NEVER, and I mean NEVER take your family for granted, they are more important than you could ever know and when you don’t have them around anymore it is extremely hard to even breathe. Cry, cry, cry -do not bottle it up. Do not try to “be the strong one” -you need to let it out, even if its in private. I cry daily, I do not feel ashamed nor should you when you cry. You will get angry, remember that its okay to get angry, just don’t be hateful. One of the latest things I’ve learned is that sometimes you just have to let go of some things that you think are important. I am still purging all of my “stuff”, both physical and mental -let the extra weight go.   

 

With all the mess of a post I am going to leave you with two things.

First, know that no matter what, love is the best way to heal. Don’t forget to love yourself and those around you. You must find what you love about yourself and make that your ‘inner rock”, you will need it. Love those around you, they are there for you, even if you feel alone, people are innately good (or so I believe) and they will be there for you even in your darkest of hour.  

Second, I want you to know that I am getting better. I may be strong and able stand a lot of things, but this was a BIG blow to me and my family. I am still healing, so please understand that I may not always be the chipper person I tend to be -but I am trying!

 

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